2011: the date of new beginnings and start-overs.

I feel like I need to blog honestly and say that as amazing as life is, my relationship with my Jesus is not. When things started at school, I experienced shame and guilt, unforgiveness of self. As much as I'm trying and want to give it all over to God and accept His abundant loving grace and forgiveness, it isn't that simple. I'm pulled between regret and acceptance. I need to accept the situation and allow God to work. 2011 begins tomorrow. I know it's just a year, just a date. But in our culture it's a date of new beginnings, a date of "start-overs". As Sarah Allen encourages us every year, my "New Years Resolution" is to be more like Jesus. I also want to be more like a follower of Jesus, a disciple of Jesus. I am a nazarite, but am not following my Nazarite vow and commitments when it comes to my time with God. I need to renew that vow and reset my guidelines. God is good, and he will bring about restoration. He has already redeemed me and as my tattoo says....I am the redeemed.

numb.

The appeal didn't go through. I am very hurt. But know God must have something big planned. He better, or I don't know how I'll make it.

His faithfulness stretches to the skys.

Leaving Liberty University yesterday was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. As of now I will not be returning until spring next year, if I am able to. My heart is crushed as is my academic future. But not my will, but God's be done. He knows what He is doing, and there is still that small possibility of my return. If you are reading this, please pray that if it's God's will this possibility will go through and I can return next semester.

trust. faith. peace.

As this semester roles around to an end, I look back in appreciation and disappointment. It's so easy to wish I had done some things differently. This semester has been full of ups and downs. But God never ceases to amaze me. He has come through in every rough situation all semester. As I await some serious news, I'm struggling with leaning into God and trusting Him. I mean, I know it's okay to be nervous and sad. The Bible does tell us though, to be anxious for nothing. This morning in church Dwayne Carson spoke. He talked about becoming larger spiritually and looking back over this past year to see what God has done. My initial reaction was to look back and notice all the mistakes and mess-ups I've made. But then God spoke directly to my heart. He told me: "Mandie, you are not the person you were a year ago. You've learned to trust me more and more. Trust me RIGHT NOW." I've been praying for this rough situation to end, for things to go "my way". But after talking with my RA, Liz, and hearing the message this morning, I've realized that it isn't about what I want, it's about what God wants, how He's going to work best, and how He's going to get me to where He wants me on my spiritual journey. If I get bad news this week, it's not necessarily "bad news". It's God's news. It would break me. It would break me and pull me down so hard. But I need to be ready to get back up, turn straight to God, and press forward. As I wait, yes I can cry, yes I can be nervous...but I need to turn it to God, trust God, and press forward to His will. He's the only one that can get me through this. "Jesus, you are so good and your love is so abundant. I want to try to trust you. I want to lean into you. Embrace me. Give me peace. In your precious name, AMEN"

time to go home.

3 hours until I leave for school. Then it's 16 hours in a car. I am glad I was able to come home, but definitely ready to return to Liberty. I miss my roomie for 1 ----> (pictured at right) and will be glad to get back to a routine. Hopefully Christmas break will be easier with working full time. God is good, and continues to provide. Each and everyday when step back for a minute I realize how blessed I am. It's crazy the friends and family I have. I love Jesus! ;)

family.

I go home tomorrow for a week. What a blessing! Since I've been at Liberty God has grown my relationships with my family exponentially. I'm kinda nervous/excited to see how it all plays out in person. I'm hoping the same love that is exchanged through the phone will be exchanged through hugs and affection. My family has never been a hugging or physical touch family, even though it's my love language. I'm hoping to change that, beginning with this week. I'm also hoping my family sees a change in me since I've come to school and grown closer and closer to my Jesus. I'm excited and a tad apprehensive. But God will have it all in control and continue to grow my family together.

(PICTURE: Me and my roomie before the Mercy Ministries 5K!)

perfect love casts out all fear.

I got to talk to my wonderful and beautiful counselor (pictured on right) from Mercy Ministries today! Sometimes the devil tries to ruin things. And today, as wonderful of a typical day as it has been, he's trying to ruin the specialness of my Mercy 1 year. It's like he keeps saying that I'm still a failure because I have messed up in the past year, that I haven't walked out my freedom. But you know what? I am walking in freedom. People struggle and I'm sure not perfect, but God's grace is good and He is in control. He loves me the same no matter what I do. His perfect love casts out all fear. LOVE, the love of my God is PERFECT. PERFECT!!! It's like it all hit me today. My God still loves me the same. THE SAME! When I screw up, he is sad because he LOVES me! He cares more about me than ANYONE else does! My friends, my parents, my sisters, and relatives...they all love me. I love people. But this love, this love is NOTHING compared to the love of my Jesus. He didn't only just die for me...he died with EVERY SINGLE SIN I've ever committed on him. He felt them. He felt my depression, he felt my anxiety, and my pain. He understands my struggles COMPLETELY! (this amazes me so much) When Jesus died, God turned his face from him. He was covered in ALL the sins of the world. And you know what? That act has transformed the world and Christianity 100%. He was a perfect man, but he loved me enough to suffer through the feelings and consequences of all sin, just so that I could go to heaven and be in complete communion with Him. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is! What a love! I am redeemed by the LOVE of my God. As I lay here, basking in my Father's love, I choose to love him back. An attempt at the love I'm receiving. He is good. And He is LOVE.

silence.

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning. -Bradley Hathaway

(PICTURE: My seestas! I miss them! Aren't they just lovely?)

mercy birthday.

I don't think anyone but a Mercy graduate can appreciate Wednesday as much as I know I will. It will be my Mercy Birthday! One year ago, on November 17th, I graduated from Mercy Ministries in St. Louis Missouri! God has continued to do great things in my life. And although life is never perfect, I wouldn't be even close to where I am now without Mercy Ministries in my life. A huge thanks to Nancy Alcorn, all the staff and supporters, and my family and friends who supported me through the program. A big shout out to all my Mercy sisters as well! I love you all so deeply and am so excited for all God has done. AMY...Happy Mercy Birthday to you too! This is a big day, it is the day the Lord has made. I will be rejoicing, and being glad that God has saved me from where I was a year and a half ago when I entered the Mercy doors.

that little something.

Being at school is great and all...but there's always that something lingering in the back of my thoughts and feelings. I don't ever know what it is, but I just can't seem to get past it. I go through prayer meetings, medication changes, surrendering it all to God and leaning into Him, counseling, talking to friends, journaling, family....you name it, and I've probably tried it recently. Don't get me wrong. I am doing well. I just feel like I'm myself, happy and living a life of joy 95% of the time....that other 5% just doesn't seem to want to go away. That other 5% is a life really low. When I say low, I mean LOW. I know God's there in those dark times...but why do I have to feel them? I feel out of control, grasped by the devil or something low and dark. Now, I don't mean like freaky, demonic stuff...that's in the past. But I feel an absence, like a hole in me. I've done everything to fill it with God. I think I'm just supposed to wait. It's my prayer that God has a plan for this. I try to stay strong, and most of the time succeed. But being low takes a tole on me and on other people. God, please give me strength, give me courage and joy, and help me to accept the hard times as a blessing and gift from you. I know you are the healer of hurts...but I also know that you can use hurts to grow us and that is evident from my past. It is my prayer for these hurts to continue to grow me into the woman you would like me to be. I love you Jesus. You are so good. Thank you for being my peace in the midst of all my fears. AMEN.

Fall Break

It feels so good to be off campus. I'm at my roommates house.

I thought I'd just do a basic update on how I'm doing and how my relationship with God/Nazirite vow are.

God is so, so good. He's taught me a lot. I've been reading through Proverbs, Psalms, Ezekiel, and Hosea all at the same time. And reading and re-reading and re-reading Ephesians, because I LOVE it. I've never felt this immersed in God and His Word. He's doing amazing things in my life.

It's been a battle learning to be without facebook. But it's been such a good God thing. I am so grateful to Him.

I'm also very homesick. But I know God will sustain. I'm hoping to find a ride home for Thanksgiving week, but as of now I'll be at my roomies house again. I can't wait until Christmas!!!

Nazirite Vow. 10.1.10-5.1.11

I chose to start a Nazirite vow 2 days ago. It says in Numbers 6:

And the Lord said to Moses, say to the Israelites, when either a man or a woman shall make a special vow, the vow of a Nazirite, that is, one separated and consecrated to the Lord,

(vs. 1-2 AMP)

The vow of a Nazirite was taken to completely consecrate yourself to God. The Israelites would take this vow and not cut their hair, refrain from drinking alcohol, and not go near dead people. In modern days people symbolically take this vow and choose to sacrifice things that they are idolizing before God for a certain amount of time. I have braided a "Nazirite braid" into my hair for the next 6 months and will be doing these things:

1) Not Dating.

2) Not cutting my hair for symbolic reasons.

3) Not using Facebook.

4) Fasting 1 day a week.

5) Having 2 quiet times a day.

6) Spending more time in prayer.

...and the one most important to me...

7) Working on living a selfless life for my Jesus and serving others.

I want to be consecrated for my Jesus. Numbers 6 continues:

This is the law of the Nazirite who has made a vow. His offering to the Lord, besides what else he is able to afford, shall be according to the vow which he has vowed; so shall he do according to the law for his separation and abstinence [as a Nazirite].

And the Lord said to Moses,

Say to Aaron and his sons, This is the way you shall bless the Israelites. Say to them, The Lord bless you and watch, guard, and keep you; The Lord make His face to shine upon and enlighten you and be gracious (kind, merciful, and giving favor) to you; The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (tranquility of heart and life continually). And they shall put My name upon the Israelites, and I will bless them.

(vs. 21-27 AMP)

I am very excited to see what God does in my life these next 6 months as I choose to put him first and others second.

Another look at Ezekiel

This morning is a morning of those random small specks of joy blowing up into a JOY inside of me that is stronger than it has been in a long time. I woke up at 4 AM with an epiphany, realizing that I'm allergic to antibiotics. I had amazing talks with my parents. And on top of it all, I'm back in Ezekiel, after being frustrated for some time and found myself in chapter 11. The subtitle was "Hope for the Exiled Israel" and God was just like BAM, this is what you need. I was feeling so uncertain and far from my God after reading about the exile and knowing God had a compassionate heart, but not understanding why He would do such things. When I reached verse 14 of chapter 11 I just wanted to cry. God said to tell the exiles, "This is what the Sovereign Lord says, "Although I have scattered you in the countries of the world, I will be a sanctuary to you during your time in exile. I, the Sovereign Lord, will gather you back from the nations where you have been scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel once again."" He then says a little farther down, "And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so that they will obey my decrees and regulations. They they will truly be my people, and I will be their God." This made my heart break once again for my true love. Jesus. His compassion was still there. He was still LOVE during the old covenant. He also says in chapter 11, "I know what you are saying, for I know every thought that comes into your minds." Just as David felt his presence in Psalm 139, Ezekiel knew God's presence during the exile of Israel. And just as both of them embraced the vast omniscient love of God, I choose to run to Jesus and his all-knowing knowledge and love for me, no matter what I am going through. My God was the same yesterday, today, and forever!

I just don't get Ezekiel. It makes me so sad. These people are committing sins, that in some way, shape or form, I have committed. But they're are being brutally slaughtered and punished by my Lord? I know the old testament was different, but I just can't picture the loving God that I spend time with every day and am slowly getting to know on a more intimate basis would do this to people. I mean, there's punishment and reprimand, but brutal murder? I guess I just hope my Old Testament survey class this semester will help answer some of these questions.....any feedback from y'all would be helpful as well.

Living it and Proclaiming it!

God has spoken to my heart and brought about a desire for me to share this story/crucial moment in my life. A true God story. I'm not going to go into my past, issues, or more personal things; but feel free to ask me about any of it if you are interested. I feel my testimony and story of healing truly defines who I am today and who I am in Christ Jesus.

When recapping some thoughts today and looking back through past Bible verses that have been important to me, I came across Psalm 118:17. This verse is at the very end of the book, "Mercy Moves Mountains". I read this book as an assignment while on the waiting list to attend a 6 month Christian treatment program called Mercy Ministries. At the time I was reading this book I felt my life was pointless and hopeless. I felt like there was nothing left to hold onto. I wanted to die, but was so scared. I was torn between suicide and living the life that I felt was lost to past mistakes. I felt this tug that what I was feeling was not right and I needed to be somewhere safe. I chose to voluntarily check myself into the mental health wing at the hospital. While waiting in the ER examination room all I had in my purse was the book "Mercy Moves Mountains" and I was just about done with it. I don't know what possessed me to want to read while waiting in the ER for suicide, but I felt a desire to read the book and distract myself. I only read a couple pages, but at the bottom of the last page was this verse:

'I will not die; instead, I will live to tell what the Lord has done.' Psalm 118:17.

This verse was the start of a new beginning. Not long after I entered the Mercy Ministries program and God used that verse to significantly speak to me multiple times. Even after graduation, things weren't always perfect and easy. In rough times this verse constantly reminded me that I had a reason to live, and my story and testimony is me "telling what the Lord has done". I want to continue to proclaim my testimony and I hope that this note is a small tidbit of that.

God's placed soooo much on my heart and I just feel like I'm filling up and overflowing. I don't even know what to do with anything. I'm having a hard time with reading my Bible and praying, but God is pulling me closer and closer to him. My friend who has helped me through soooo much, co C-Team leader, my past C-Team leader when i was in middle school, my brother in Christ, has been diagnosed with serious cancer in both lungs. It's serious and from what I know he isn't going to make it. I'm in shock right now, but so torn. I'm torn for his family, for his wife, kids, grandkids. He's such a great man. He has evangelized to thousands. Brought many to Christ, traveled the world for Jesus. His life will not go unnoticed. He definitely changed my life and I know he's changed many lives through C-Team. The 8th and 9th graders from last years group of C-Team are getting together to pray for Jim. Everyone is committed to praying for them. Just to see how this is bringing the teenagers to God and prayer amazes me. I love Jim Jeske, and it is my prayer for healing. If God brings him home, may it be him working for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.

I forgot about my blog until I was returning to Lamentations today and remembered I had blogged about it. I arrived home from Lighthouse Christian Camp Friday night. I was gone for 6 weeks, and counseled for 4! God did amazing things at that camp, and will continue to as the boys weeks proceed in July. I saw girls come to know the Lord, I saw girls rededicate their lives to Christ, and I saw girls not much younger than me boy before the cross and turn over issues that I turned over less than a year ago! God worked in me so much. He showed me so many truths about who I am in Him and that He is powerful in the darkest of situations.

One of my campers, Heather, came from a devout wicken family. Her lesbian mother and father worshiped the devil. She was brought up watching rituals in her backyard, seeing her dad drink other people's blood, and feeling a deep oppression. She was taught magic and wicken, prayed out loud to the devil and taught to hate Jesus. She fell into the party life, alcohol, drugs, smoking.....she cut, tried to kill herself, was raped, hospitalized for mental illness, and placed in juvenile detention. Wait....did I mention....she's 13? This girl had gone through so much and was so lost. She put up walls, refused to talk during invitations and chapels, would cry but close down. When everyone else was on their knees before the cross, or coming to talk to me, she stayed behind. The last night, Mr. Michael did an invitation, not as emotional, and kinda just a "last chance" thing. She stood up and walked back to me so fast. She was feeling SOOO convicted. We talked for a long time. She told me that when she tries to pray at home she shakes and scary things happen because the devil is there. I talked to her about covering her walls with Bible verses, reading the bible and praying out loud. And just saying Jesus's name outloud! She seemed pumped to pour her past and issues over to God. As she prayed to him my heart just broke for her, but I knew that she was a new creation in Christ, and that with him, all things are possible! God is so good! (PS: this is just ONE story of the HUNDREDS of girls whom were impacted this summer at Lighthouse)

As I head to bed I pray for each of my girls from camp. "Jesus, it is my prayer tonight that you wrap your arms around Heather and all of my campers! God you know each and every one of them by name! Lord, I pray for Liz who said she didn't want to talk to God and didn't want to know you. Jesus, change her heart, work in it until she breaks and falls for you! I thank you for all that made commitments to you! Lord continue working in their lives and discipling them. I pray for Shae and Natasha, my 2 campers that I had to send home for misbehaving. I pray that you would help them to feel your love right now, tonight. I love you Lord! Give these girls sweet dreams or no dreams at all! You are powerful God and I love you so much Jesus!"

(PICTURE: Week 4 campers! Cabin 4A! Destiniy, Heather, Me, Brittany, Ashley, Alison)

As I sit here reflecting on what God's been doing in my life I can't help but take a deep breath and appreciate life. Through the hard couple weeks I had, God showed to me that I really truly have changed since Mercy, and I really truly do handle things different than before. I handle things the healthy way. I've never spent so much time in God's word and in prayer. I felt him lay some pretty heavy things on my heart through song lyrics and scripture. He gave me 2 songs, of which I had never really heard before, in the same day. They both talked about stepping out and walking on the water. I felt it as the okay to continue on to camp and school, despite the couple low weeks. I also felt I was told directly to continue going off of my medications through prayer at church. My parents didn't quite understand or agree on everything so I decided to use my communication skills and sit down to tell them what God has been telling me. I was awake almost all night the night before, second guessing myself, thinking maybe the songs about walking on the water were just coincidences. But then I pulled out my Bible. I opened up to Matthew 14, right where I had left off. But, chapter fourteen is where Jesus walks on water, and peter does, and then what happens when Peter doubts God. It was like, *BAM*, why are you doubting me Mandie? Sometimes people won't want you to do what I want you to do. It was like an overwelming peace. I'm so secure in knowing that staying off the meds, going to serve God at camp, and then going to Liberty in the fall, are what God wants in my life. I'm scared yes, to leave my support system behind. But my dad told me Saturday that he always sees me at my best when I'm serving others! I'm doing soooo well and God is really speaking to me and working in my life! I'm excited to use what he's taught me to counsel the girls at Lighthouse Christian Camp! I leave 2 weeks form yesterday! Eek!

(PICTURE: Me, Livi, and her boyfriend Greg playing basketball in the rain last week!)

God is taking me through a hard time right now. But I believe He will see me through. Sorry I haven't been blogging, life is just a tad crazy with the end of the semester, work, C-Team, and preparing for the summer and next fall. Please keep me in your prayers. Love you all.

reflections.

As I sit here reflecting on this last week or so, I've really come to see how important it is to lean into God in the hard times. A lot of hard things have resurfaced and life hasn't been quote on quote, "easy". But you know, I'm sure getting through things like I never did before. I'm learning each and everyday more and more to trust God with absolutely everything. I'm weak, and He is strong. I've had lots of stress with school, and beginning to prepare myself for this summer and the fall, and believe me, it's not easy. I'm so excited about my future and I know God will have me where he has me for a reason, I just need to practice leaning into him when the devil is causing me to doubt his power and excellence. This summer with be great, and I do know that as the day draws nearer God is preparing my heart, as well as the young girls I will be ministering too. As well and school next fall and the stress of money, if God wants me there, he will provide. I love what Nancy Alcorn once said. She told God, "Provide and I will go!" And he said, "No, GO and I will provide!" I love that, and it sticks with me today as I prepare to really trust God with some big things. I was very sick this past weekend and in those times that I lay there wishing I was elsewhere having fun, I realized that I need to humble myself. I can't live in a spirit of fear, but a SOUND MIND! I know God has prepared a way for me. He has me focusing on the here and now, so that when the future comes, I will be ready. I was praying about some things and realizing that what I ultimately want is to just be a good wife and mom, but I also know that God wants me to go to school and spend all this money for a reason. I'm going to do as he says and trust in him. I love God so much, and although I sometimes neglect our relationship, he's always there waiting for me to run back into his arms. It was so easy when things were going to good to just put God on the back burner sometimes. But now that things aren't easy, it's almost better, because he's more real. He's more HERE today than he was a week or 2 ago. I'm sound and secure in the fact that my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ will always provide for me, will always love me, and will never forsake me. Screw you devil for thinking you can butt in on this great relationship I've got going on with God. And thinking you can just take over my future plans to serve God with worry and fear. I won't succumb to it! I'm MORE THAN A CONQUERER IN CHRIST!

(PICTURE: me and Joellen on the C-Team Bible Study and Prayer Weekend! I love my middle schooler friends)

This Video Makes me Pee my Pants!

Great day today. Eating normal again, foggy thinking is clearing up. God is so good! I'm off half of my medicine and doing good! :) PTL! Thanks again for all the prayers!

I'm slowly just starting to feel a tad better! I made it through 2 classes so far today and anticipate pushing through till the end. Thank you everyone who has been praying for me! God is really getting me through this. He's amazing!
(PICTURE: Me and Casey in the hot tub! One of our most favorite places to be! Great convos happen in that warm bubbly h20!)

Not doing so hot physically from going off my medications. But praise God that I'm mentally sound and still joyful in my Jesus! Just pray for me if you would that things would get better physically and that whatever it is, that the doctors would figure out what is wrong without having to place me back on them. Thank you! Love you all. (At least the couple of you who read this!)
(PICTURE: FROM EASTER, YESTERDAY)

I'm going off a medication, and already feeling a little out of wack. I trust God through this and IN HIS NAME I'll will be okay. I feel that this is His timing and part of His will. I was prayed over in church and I believe God will help me.
With school. I was accepted into Liberty in Virginia, and that's the plan right now. Finances are a big burden right now though. And if I can't come up with the money, I can't attend. I believe that if I'm supposed to be there, that God will provide. I'm just trying to lean on that. Still scared though.

"I will not live with a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND!!!!"

yummy Special K Granola!!!

So, I've been reading and studying Lamentations, mainly out of The Message. And I'm getting so much out of it. It's so encouraging. When the exile happened people were in deeper suffering than we can imagine, there was cannibalism and they were even eating their own children. Sad, eh? Lamentations does a great job at displaying what it really feels like to suffer. How bad it hurts and how much you just want to die, when you're at the pit of your life. BUT it always brings it back to God and a hope in Him. So cool. I'm gonna share some versus that really spoke to me, and let you interpret them yourselves.

"...she's now a drudge. (ch1vs1) She cries herself to sleep each night, tears soaking her pillow. No one's left among her lovers to sit and hold her hand. Her friends have all dumped her. (ch1vs2)...never fees at home...stuck between a rock and a hard place. (ch1vs3)...Her enemies have become her masters. Her foes are living it up because God laid her low, punishing her repeated rebellions. (ch1vs5)...All beauty has drained from Daughter Zion's face. (ch1vs6)...she lost everything. (ch1vs7)...is an outcast. (ch1vs8)...She played fast and loose with life, she never considered tomorrow, and now she's crashed royally, with no one to hold her hand. 'Look at my pain, O God! And how the enemy cruelly struts.' The enemy reached out to take all her favorite things. (ch1vs9-10)...Have you ever seen anything like this?...my pain, seen what he did to me, what God did to me in his rage? (ch1vs12)...He left me with nothing-left me sick, and sick of living. (ch1vs13)...For all this I weep, weep buckets of tears, and not a soul within miles around cares for my soul. (ch1vs16)...God has right on his side. I'm the one who did wrong....Look at what I'm going through! (ch1vs18)...I called to my friends; they betrayed me. (ch1vs19)...'O God, look at the trouble I'm in! My stomach in knots, my heart wrecked by a life of rebellion.' (ch1vs20)...No one listens, no one cares. (ch1vs21)...Total demolition! (ch2vs8)...My eyes are blind with tears, my stomach in a knot. My insides have turned to jelly over my people's fate. (ch2vs11)...Keep t hose tears flowing! As each night watch begins, get up and cry out in prayer. Pour your heart out face-to-face with the Master. Lift high your hands. Beg for the lives of your children who are starving to death out on the streets. (ch2vs18-19)I gave up on life altogether. I've forgotten what the good life is like. I said to myself, 'This is it. I'm finished. God is a lost cause.' (ch3vs17-18)... I remember it all-oh, how well I remember-the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope. God's loyal love couldn't of run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over.) He's all I got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off my yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The 'worst' is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way. (ch3vs19-33)...Let's take a good look at the way we're living and reorder our lives under God. Let's lift our hearts and hands at one and the same time, praying to God in heaven. (ch3vs40-41)...We've been to hell and back...River of tears pour from my eyes. (ch3vs48)...The tears stream from my eyes, an artesian well of tears. Until you, God, look down on high, look and see my tears. When I see what's happened to the young women in the city, the pain breaks my heart. (ch3vs49-51)...'I called out your name, O God, called from the bottom of the pit. You listened. (ch3vs55-56)...Get me out of here! Save me!'...You said, 'It's going to be all right.' (ch3vs57)...you brought me back alive! (ch3vs58)...We are doomed. (ch4vs18)...'Remember, God, all we've been through. (ch5vs1)...All the joy is gone from our hearts. Our dances have turned into dirges. (ch5vs15)...we can't see through the tears. (ch5vs17)...And yet, God, you're sovereign still, your throne intact and eternal. (ch5vs19)...Bring us back to you, God-we're ready to come back. Give us a fresh start. (ch5vs21)"

midterms completo!

its done its done its dooooone! besides a math quiz after lunch i'm home free!

i went shopping last night and had a pretty hard time dealing with getting different size jeans than I've ever bought. it was hard to accept that what i am is healthy. but it was still good. i had fun with my mom and got some good buys! praise God for $10 Pacsun jeans! Whoot whoot!

on another note, i'm chilling here in the halls of UW-Fox Valley. people-watching and easedropping on people's conversations and debates of Philosophy. Don't people have anything better to talk about than "smart-people" stuff. Hahahaha. I just can't wait to get home, shower and pack, and head up north for a weekend of Bible Study and prayer with my middle school friends!

Our school is FULL of cops today, I'm so curious of what is going on, but don't know. I'm such a "snoopy snooper". (that was for you Noelle!)

Alright, I have to go just listen to people's speeches for class.

Love Life!!!

Just one of the many fun photo's from our photo shoot for Noelle's Photography Class project. More to come!!!!

midterms.

totally no time. midterms next week.

It was a not so eventful weekend!
Saturday I went to the Library with Abby and did homework for a long time. Then we picked out a few movies and ended up back at my house. We watched "Airplane" (Hilarious but soooo stupid) and "The Secret Life of Bees" (Sooo sad and good!). It was a good productive day.
Sunday I went to church, and my parents came too to check out where I was going. Haha. They liked it. We went out to eat and then I went to Casey's. At Casey's we went in the hot tub. We were so warm we put on tshirts and washed our cars barefoot. (Only in WI :-P) Then I came home, did homework, went tanning (FRYING; I look like a cherry), and watched some of the oscars.
Today I'm awake early because I'm "doing homework". And then it's school. And homework tonight, because I can't put it off to tomorrow night due to a staff meeting at work.
So that's all folks.
(PICTURE: Me and Katie Peterson before prom.)

A friend of mine once blogged about the Beatitudes, thus inspiring me to want to memorize them....and I didn't, but now I am....here they are in The Message version...

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
You're blessed when you care. At the moment of 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart-put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom."
Matthew 5:3-10 (The Message)
(PICTURE: Me and a pretty horse I rode at Silver Birch Ranch; Winter 2009)

$$$

I'm sick of people being so worried about money. If you are serving God, He will provide if you are doing His will and His work. It's nothing worth obsessing over. And I guess I wouldn't say obsessing, more just commenting whenever money is being wasted. Like it's precious and we couldn't live without it. I don't know. Of course it's wrong to just run gas through your car when you don't need to be driving all over when you can't afford it, or leaving a light on, yea just turn it off. But the pressure and feelings that come along with it are ridiculous. Every time I spend money I'm so selfconcious if it's worth it, or how much, or what about college, I can't miss work,etc. All the emotions just have built up over the years where I'm seriously scared to spend money sometimes. And I trust God. Wherever He takes me this summer, for school, or lack there of, it'll be to serve Him, and HE WILL PROVIDE! I need to lean on that, not what other people tell me.
(PICTURE: Me, Choronzy, and Ben down hill skiing a whole new way. ;))

first official plan for the future!

I think i just made an official commitment to spend next summer in Tennessee working with underprivileged children and counseling! Soooo excited, but soooo needing to trust God with money and college situations. He told me to go, so I am. I love what Nancy Alcorn said in her book Echos of Mercy: "Provide God, and I'll go!" But he said, "No, GO and I'll provide!"
(PICTURE: View from the dining hall at Lighthouse Christian Camp!)

I don't have much to say about my life lately. God's working in it! Church yesterday was very powerful and God really spoke to me. I felt Him tell me to share my testimony. Now...it's a matter of if it's sooner or later, and where. And whether or not to advocate Mercy, or just to share what God has done. Or to a large group, or just one hurting girl that the Lord puts in my path. We'll see where he takes me!

Where the Spirit is THERE IS FREEDOM!

I started the application process for Liberty University yesterday. I absolutely love their Psychology/Human Services/Counseling program. It looks really good. Just another opportunity if God decides to open that door. We'll see!
On another note, I stayed up late last night (which wasn't planned) listening to my recording of my Mercy Ministries Graduation. Talk about powerful! Not only just hearing my testimony and all the encouraging things the staff said to me and Amy (girl I graduated with), but hearing me speak powerful things over myself and declare so many things about God in my life! I felt the power of God and being set free all over again! It was so good! Praise God for the freedom! One thing that really got me is what Tracey, the fitness director, said, "Where the spirit is, there is freedom!" So good. And on a funny note, my mom meant to say "a new creation in Christ" but she said "a new creature in Christ". I guess it works, but it made me wanna laugh....Oh wait, I did lay in bed and laugh! It was powerful, laughing and crying all over again, soaking up the presence of God and just appreciating where I am in my life! He is so holy and so powerful! I have authority through Him over the devil! And as the end of the Mercy Champions Creed says: "AND SATAN HAS BEEN DEFEATED!"
(PICTURE: Me and Ames on our Mercy Ministries Graduation Day!!!)

Today I applied to Lighthouse Christian Camp for the summer. I had asked for an application last November after I got back from a short term missions trip there. I always wanted to go, but didn't know what God wanted. I still want to go, but get afraid that it might interfere with the possibility of an internship. But I've prayed, and Mr. Michael must be praying, cuz I got a facebook message from him. It said that God told him to have me send in my application. And I did just that today. So friends, it's a high possibility that I'm spending next summer in Tennessee working with underprivileged children, and counseling my own cabin for all of the girls missions and discipleship weeks! God is so good! I'm so excited! Now it's just back to praying and going wherever the Lord leads! :)
(PICTURE: Lighthouse Christian Camp; my first time there at a summer camp! Me and Leah!)

flirting. wet moccasins. headaches.

I stepped back and took a breath today, realizing how good i have it here in boring Neenah, WI. I have parents, a family, a roof over my head, food, clean drinking water, friendships, a new car, and schooling. I sit and worry about the petty little things like a boy stalking me in math class, or my wet feet from the snow. I worry about minor health problems like a virus and constant headache I've had ever since I donated blood. But really Mandie, REALLY? Those minute little things, in retrospect to the life my God has blessed me with. Wow. I'm such a complainer sometimes. I just need to step back and appreciate and be thankful for everything i am blessed with. God's done so much for me this past year and I am so blessed. Wow. What an amazing God I serve. I just wish everyone could know Him like I do, and that I could know Him even more. To have a God that loves this world so much just blows me away. Today, today I feel loved. I feel blessed. And I am thankful!
(PICTURE: Lifest 2006 with my little buddy Kristen who is growing up into a beautiful young lady now!)

It's time for me to make some important decisions in life. College applications are about due, and I just don't know what to do. I have dreams and aspirations about my future that I believe He has given me. But I just have no clue how He wants me to go about pursuing them. And whether to go to college, when and where. With what major? I really really just want to counsel young girls or work in a hospital or group home setting with eating disorder patients. But it's so hard to tell if it's God, because I have had so many goals before, and not known how to approach them. I know I want to help youth and young girls, and that's about all I know. Hahaha. GOD SHOW ME! PRETTY PLEASE!

New Mercy Ministries Barlow Girl Music Video

Check it out guys! Mercy Ministries changed my life! I am truly a new creation in Christ because of the 6 months I spent there.

hw

HOMEWORK HOMEWORK HOMEWORK! Today is the day. I've slacked all weekend, so I'm on it!

justyna. a dear friend.

For some reason God has put my Polish friend I made back in 2006 on my heart. Justyna Michniewska. The first time we had a real "talk", minus words since we speak different languages, was after I gave part of my testimony at the time to the whole camp in Janikowo Poland. Only after this did I discover that Justyna had a lot of the same problems as me. After our encounter, fake sign language, and her broken English explaining to me that she had a hard time in the same stuff as me we prayed together. In Polish and English. Neither one understanding the other, we prayed for each other. It just amazed me that 2 young girls, in 2 completely different walks of life, still struggling with the same things, and still praying to the same God. God understood both of us. I don't know why, but at the time it amazed me so much.
I don't know why but I really have a heart for Justyna, because I have seen in her a lot of what I saw in me. To whoever reads this. I would just like to ask for ya'all to pray for her. Her last facebook status update was "I do not want to live. :(" I haven't heard from her at all since then and she isn't on facebook anymore. Just pray that God pulls her into His loving arms and she knows she is loved and that He cares for her, that life is worth living. Cuz it sure is! :)

timeout.

no time to write. i hope this blog thing doesn't go kaput with my busy life. but basically nothing exciting is happening. im engulfed in an amazing book right now (Burned, by Ellen Hopkins), but shouldn't be reading seeing as to how much hw and studying i SHOULD be doing. off to study math now....then maybe just a few pages...;)
(PIC: me and mom on the boat a couple summers ago.)

nothing to say other than i love my job

the Stoics and Epictetus

we're studying Epictetus and the Stoics in Philosophy. lots of what he says is a little off, but i thought it pretty amazing that the Stoics had a view on determinism and predestination similar to Christians. the Stoics claim that there is either a higher power (or nature laws if you don't believe in a higher power) (Cosmic Determinism) that knows everything that is going to happen, everything is set out and laid out. then there is Fate. it's like you're living in a circle of cosmic determinism and fate is an arrow going into that circle determining your "fate". (nice diagram, eh?) but yet, there's Inner Freedom, making your decisions for yourself. the Stoics got it. they grasped it. and so do us Christians, even though it's one of those things that is kinda unfathomable. my teacher was just funny, ranting about how it contradicts itself. the Stoics were brilliant. Philosophy really is brilliant. i actually enjoy the class and get excited to think through all these thought processes and how things "are" or the existence of matter. it just intrigues me. God has really put some intelligent people out there. i love stretching my brain.
(PIC: last May with one of my besties KC on a random 80 degree day)

jfowaihnfsadkl

i saw an old man smoking a pipe in his car today.....yup....that's all i got.
(PIC: my amazing counselor from when I was @ Mercy.)

a bunch of nonsense.

yesterdays blog: fail.
today... just a typical day. well not so much. a huge crystal bowl exploded all over the kitchen at 6:30 this morning. zoey puked. and it was just an interesting start to the day. and i guess you COULD call that a typical day at the swinford home. haha. its my dads 46th birthday. happy birthday to him, and Abraham Lincoln.
we get our new car today. its a sea foam green '94 escort station wagon. whoot whoot. and 30 MPG! ptl. no more driving the truck at 14. yay for gas money!
it should also be a good weekend coming up with dads birthday dinner tonight. noelle coming home tonight. coffee with abbz and noe tomorrow morning. and tomorrow night hopefully with alison, amy, erica, and noelle.
i also have another math quiz today and actually studdied for it. but with my luck in that class who knows. its so hard to do well when there's only 5 questions and the teacher grades unfairly.
on a side note. i AM doing well in my other classes. so there's a plus.
ps: anyone got a TI84 or TI89 graphing calculator they don't need anymore or can borrow to me for the semester?
(picture from poland trip 2006)

i'm gonna dance in the freedom i know!

I'm having one of those days where I'm just so happy to be walking in freedom! Free from guilt and condemnation! Free from a past that controlled my life! Free to worship the God of the universe! And free to still be me!

snowstorms. children. no cpr.

isn't this just the uggliest color font ever. today was good. just another day at work. except i gotta work in the 1 year old room, 2 year old room, 3 year old room, 4 year old room, AND with the school age children all at different points throughout the day. i love just observing the kids and seeing how they progress through the years. i definitely decided i like the 4 year olds the best. i decided this for a very selfish reason. all the girls sat around me today and played with my earings, necklace, nose ring...complementing me on everything from my "cool" shoes to the "awesome sparkley dot on your nose". they just amaze me. i really wish us older folk could just sit around and talk about what we like in each other. not what bothers us or we can't stand. the positives. people are so beautiful. inocent kids see it. and you know who else sees it? Jesus. i kinda feel like he looks at me the same way as those little 4 year olds. he sees me as blameless. he doesn't see my past anymore, because i've been forgiven by his blood. he sees all his hard work put into creating me, and he is proud of his creation. he thinks im beautiful. he really truely views me as those 4 year old girls. i am admired. i am special.

love vs. like.

alright. im upset. as u can tell by the ugly color im writing in. and glad i can rant on here to the maybe 1 or 2 people that read this. lol. math. algebra. whatever u wanna call it. it sucks bigtime. its unfair. and just so not right in many many ways. my teacher, whom might i mention BARELY speaks english, teaches from a different perspective than any other math teacher ive ever had. to be able to give some students points, and others not, not cool. and then, i did a problem right, got the right answer, even showed extra steps. but i didn't do it the way she LIKES it. so what do you know, i lose all the points. and it really says something about your teaching when u have a student ("me") who got high A's ALL THE WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL in EVERY math class, then comes and gets a flat out D in her class, and over half the class is retaking it because they failed MULTIPLE times with her as the teacher. is this right? y me? GOD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME?!?!?!?! to love those i dislike? to not always get good grades and succeed? i worked hard all through high school to get into Madison. i screwed that up and am getting my second chance, and now i'm literally getting cheated out of a good GPA. agh, how do i learn something out of this? how do i ACCEPT this. i can't switch classes, nothing else is offered. i can't drop, i'll be off insurance for not being a fulltime student. i obviously can't lay down in the university hallway and throw a fit. instead...i guess i can just at least TRY to rely on God, TRY to accept that He'll work it out. maybe He's just trying to pull me into Him closer. praaaaayyyying......

bring on a new, fresh, week.

today starts a new crazy week. praise God for good sleep last night!!! i was able to get up earlier today and go out to coffee with a friend at Aspen Tea! oh wow, good chai tea! but yeah, im just chillin' at school, waiting for classes to start. i've decided for anyone who isn't 100% sure what they want to do with their lives after high school, they should go to UW-Fox for basic classes. it's such a great school and has all the classes any freshman would have to take anyways for cheap! can't go wrong there.
i'm learning what it means to be a poor college student. when i wrote my check out last week for tuition my bank account went from what it was at, to squat. i'm trying to view it as an adventure, a challenge, and it makes work so much more worth it. i know my God will provide. He aways does.
maybe i'll blog twice today, cuz i always have more to say and right now i have to go to class and learn about Aristotle, take a Speech quiz, learn more junk in Math, and deeply discuss Huck Finn. oh, the joys of being a college student. (i'll admit, i really do like school. haha)

prayer challenge.

Pathways was good today. I'm really excited to be attending a new church. Today starts the 70 day prayer challenge! :)

what to do...

so, im stuck in this place of trusting God with my future. and i mean, really trusting God. im not so sure where i wanna go with my future and there are so many options. im looking into Bible college at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, North Central University in St. Paul, and now im a little interested in the St. Louis Dream Center Ministry Academy in St. Louis. i also may have an opportunity to participate in a internship with TRUE Daughters in Raleigh. and this next summer i have the opportunity to serve at a missions camp in Tennessee if that's where God wants me. there are so many opportunities and options. and i KNOW God will show me what im supposed to do in HIS timing. it just isn't always easy waiting. but if im seeking and trusting him he will "show me which path to take". i pray that i can be confident that Christ has a future for me, and that He's going to lay it out perfectly how He wants it and in His timing. i know wherever he leads me i will be serving him.
(PS: THE PICTURE IS FROM LAST WEEKEND'S SKI TRIP WITH MY MIDDLE SCHOOLERS FROM CHURCH!)

3-2I2x+3I>5....all real solutions? math.

so today so far: nothing exciting as usual. just another day in the life of a college student. woke up and decided i actually wanted to look nice today! it's crazy how pampering yourself every once in a while can really help you feel great. i even wore my hair down. i know, shocker! haha. but i just went to classes. i taught my speech class today and it went really well, my game was a hit. in math i got a C on my quiz, which is better than the last one, but still not satisfying. and in philosophy we talked about if pulling the plug on a permanantly brain dead patient is humain. tonight im going to a concert at Pathways Church and dog sitting at night. what a day. (bagh!)
on a side note, im really appreciating having routine in my life. God is really using it to keep me sane. i have school and work and hw and a scheduled eating time with no extra time to have obsessive munchies. it really helps me lots. (not that waking up early to an alarm clock is fun.)
im off to spend time with my Saviour. it's cool to always have someone there for you when you need it. and believe me, i always need it.
mandie swinford, signing out

Aujourd'hui

today was....today. i went to work and played with kids for ten hours! can't go wrong there. and as lame as it sounds, i'm kinda bored with no homework tonight. i guess all i have of real excitment is an all new episode of Grey's Anatomy.
for the awkward moment of the day: i ran into Mrs. Gordee (high school guidance counselor) at the daycare. her son goes there. we haven't talked since i was having a hard time in high school and let's just say it was weird. i wanted to just start blabbing out my whole story about why i'm not at UW-Madison anymore, that everything of before, is 100% different. everything she knew of me before wasn't good. now i'm a complete new creation in Christ and i just wish i could tell her. tell her about Mercy and the last year of my life. maybe sometime. i shouldn't care what she thinks, hopefully she can just see my Jesus radiating off of me.
as for what i read in my Bible this morning...i read many healing stories about Jesus. i think one thing it's so easy for us to do now adays is to just read those stories in the gospels and think, "WOW, that guy was sure powerful." what we forget is that He still is powerful! if i was blind today, just like the beggar. with my faith, God could heal me just the same.
and now for a cool story about God's healing power. it may not seem significant to many of you, but this was kinda huge to me. last thursday i had some weird stomach flu. i puked my guts out for no reason. i didn't even have a stomach ache or other symptoms. but i hadn't read my bible that day, and i had had time, it wasn't like i made up excuses, i just didn't feel like it. i kept apologizing to God instead of going and reading my Bible. when i had puked for 6 hours i realized that i wasn't trusting God or asking Him to make me feel better. i immediately went upstairs and got my Bible. i prayed so strongly, speaking the word over myself and reading my God's Creative Power for healing. believing that God could do it. no, i didn't magically feel 100% better. but after that the puking stopped, and over the hour the nausea went away. now some would call that luck or chance, but to me it was God. it wasn't a fluke. so now when i read those stories of Jesus healing the sick, or blind, or deaf. i remember that he can do it for me too, and that my prayers really are powerful. through Christ i have power in the spiritual realm. it amazes me, and helps me appreciate those repetitive parts of the Bible.
i'd just like to say that i like this blogging thing. its hard for me to get started, but once i do i just keep writing. i look back at what i wrote, and it isn't like it sounds in my head, but i hope im getting enough of a point accross that ya'all can understand a little piece of my weird brain! :)

where to start.....

so i've been avid about reading people's blogs lately, and i've always thought about starting one. writing is just NOT something im good at. i'm not deep like my friend emily. and i don't want all my business out there. but maybe i can use this in some creative way. some way to just get my thoughts down "on paper". we'll see where it goes. feel free to comment or give me ideas!