Being at school is great and all...but there's always that something lingering in the back of my thoughts and feelings. I don't ever know what it is, but I just can't seem to get past it. I go through prayer meetings, medication changes, surrendering it all to God and leaning into Him, counseling, talking to friends, journaling, family....you name it, and I've probably tried it recently. Don't get me wrong. I am doing well. I just feel like I'm myself, happy and living a life of joy 95% of the time....that other 5% just doesn't seem to want to go away. That other 5% is a life really low. When I say low, I mean LOW. I know God's there in those dark times...but why do I have to feel them? I feel out of control, grasped by the devil or something low and dark. Now, I don't mean like freaky, demonic stuff...that's in the past. But I feel an absence, like a hole in me. I've done everything to fill it with God. I think I'm just supposed to wait. It's my prayer that God has a plan for this. I try to stay strong, and most of the time succeed. But being low takes a tole on me and on other people. God, please give me strength, give me courage and joy, and help me to accept the hard times as a blessing and gift from you. I know you are the healer of hurts...but I also know that you can use hurts to grow us and that is evident from my past. It is my prayer for these hurts to continue to grow me into the woman you would like me to be. I love you Jesus. You are so good. Thank you for being my peace in the midst of all my fears. AMEN.
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