God, I'm sorry. God help me. God please give me true peace. I trust You. I love You. I want to try more. I want back what we had before this. As Pastor Harry said today. Your will be done. You WILL bring the good out of this hard situation Jesus. Thank you. I really do love you.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I thought I was at peace about not being at school next semester. But in all reality I think I'm more bitter than I thought, and just misplacing it from my thoughts. My last day at school I cried harder than I've ever cried. I was very upset. But I feel like since I got home I've blocked it from my thoughts and chosen not to grieve. I'm in denial. I've only teared up a couple times and haven't thought much about it at all. The reality of never living on M5-02 again, never being in the same group of girls, and with the same leadership rips my heart apart. For what it was, it was the best experience of my life. The closest friendships a friend could have. But in all honesty I'm torn, and not at peace. I can't keep living this "I'm perfectly fine." lifestyle. 1st off, no one is perfectly fine. 2nd, in reality, I'm not. I act like I am, and even feel like I am. I'm happy and normal. But when's the last time I sat down and really talked to God about all this and what's really on my heart. To be honest, other than telling God I was upset but still loved Him the day I found out....I haven't talked to Him about it at all. How can one not talk to her best friend about what is most heavy on her heart. Not okay. I feel a wall, like I'm slowly drifting. I couldn't even sing praises to God in church. I felt withdrawn.
Friday, December 31, 2010
I feel like I need to blog honestly and say that as amazing as life is, my relationship with my Jesus is not. When things started at school, I experienced shame and guilt, unforgiveness of self. As much as I'm trying and want to give it all over to God and accept His abundant loving grace and forgiveness, it isn't that simple. I'm pulled between regret and acceptance. I need to accept the situation and allow God to work. 2011 begins tomorrow. I know it's just a year, just a date. But in our culture it's a date of new beginnings, a date of "start-overs". As Sarah Allen encourages us every year, my "New Years Resolution" is to be more like Jesus. I also want to be more like a follower of Jesus, a disciple of Jesus. I am a nazarite, but am not following my Nazarite vow and commitments when it comes to my time with God. I need to renew that vow and reset my guidelines. God is good, and he will bring about restoration. He has already redeemed me and as my tattoo says....I am the redeemed.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Leaving Liberty University yesterday was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. As of now I will not be returning until spring next year, if I am able to. My heart is crushed as is my academic future. But not my will, but God's be done. He knows what He is doing, and there is still that small possibility of my return. If you are reading this, please pray that if it's God's will this possibility will go through and I can return next semester.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
As this semester roles around to an end, I look back in appreciation and disappointment. It's so easy to wish I had done some things differently. This semester has been full of ups and downs. But God never ceases to amaze me. He has come through in every rough situation all semester. As I await some serious news, I'm struggling with leaning into God and trusting Him. I mean, I know it's okay to be nervous and sad. The Bible does tell us though, to be anxious for nothing. This morning in church Dwayne Carson spoke. He talked about becoming larger spiritually and looking back over this past year to see what God has done. My initial reaction was to look back and notice all the mistakes and mess-ups I've made. But then God spoke directly to my heart. He told me: "Mandie, you are not the person you were a year ago. You've learned to trust me more and more. Trust me RIGHT NOW." I've been praying for this rough situation to end, for things to go "my way". But after talking with my RA, Liz, and hearing the message this morning, I've realized that it isn't about what I want, it's about what God wants, how He's going to work best, and how He's going to get me to where He wants me on my spiritual journey. If I get bad news this week, it's not necessarily "bad news". It's God's news. It would break me. It would break me and pull me down so hard. But I need to be ready to get back up, turn straight to God, and press forward. As I wait, yes I can cry, yes I can be nervous...but I need to turn it to God, trust God, and press forward to His will. He's the only one that can get me through this. "Jesus, you are so good and your love is so abundant. I want to try to trust you. I want to lean into you. Embrace me. Give me peace. In your precious name, AMEN"
Saturday, November 27, 2010
3 hours until I leave for school. Then it's 16 hours in a car. I am glad I was able to come home, but definitely ready to return to Liberty. I miss my roomie for 1 ----> (pictured at right) and will be glad to get back to a routine. Hopefully Christmas break will be easier with working full time. God is good, and continues to provide. Each and everyday when step back for a minute I realize how blessed I am. It's crazy the friends and family I have. I love Jesus! ;)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I go home tomorrow for a week. What a blessing! Since I've been at Liberty God has grown my relationships with my family exponentially. I'm kinda nervous/excited to see how it all plays out in person. I'm hoping the same love that is exchanged through the phone will be exchanged through hugs and affection. My family has never been a hugging or physical touch family, even though it's my love language. I'm hoping to change that, beginning with this week. I'm also hoping my family sees a change in me since I've come to school and grown closer and closer to my Jesus. I'm excited and a tad apprehensive. But God will have it all in control and continue to grow my family together.
(PICTURE: Me and my roomie before the Mercy Ministries 5K!)