time to go home.

3 hours until I leave for school. Then it's 16 hours in a car. I am glad I was able to come home, but definitely ready to return to Liberty. I miss my roomie for 1 ----> (pictured at right) and will be glad to get back to a routine. Hopefully Christmas break will be easier with working full time. God is good, and continues to provide. Each and everyday when step back for a minute I realize how blessed I am. It's crazy the friends and family I have. I love Jesus! ;)

family.

I go home tomorrow for a week. What a blessing! Since I've been at Liberty God has grown my relationships with my family exponentially. I'm kinda nervous/excited to see how it all plays out in person. I'm hoping the same love that is exchanged through the phone will be exchanged through hugs and affection. My family has never been a hugging or physical touch family, even though it's my love language. I'm hoping to change that, beginning with this week. I'm also hoping my family sees a change in me since I've come to school and grown closer and closer to my Jesus. I'm excited and a tad apprehensive. But God will have it all in control and continue to grow my family together.

(PICTURE: Me and my roomie before the Mercy Ministries 5K!)

perfect love casts out all fear.

I got to talk to my wonderful and beautiful counselor (pictured on right) from Mercy Ministries today! Sometimes the devil tries to ruin things. And today, as wonderful of a typical day as it has been, he's trying to ruin the specialness of my Mercy 1 year. It's like he keeps saying that I'm still a failure because I have messed up in the past year, that I haven't walked out my freedom. But you know what? I am walking in freedom. People struggle and I'm sure not perfect, but God's grace is good and He is in control. He loves me the same no matter what I do. His perfect love casts out all fear. LOVE, the love of my God is PERFECT. PERFECT!!! It's like it all hit me today. My God still loves me the same. THE SAME! When I screw up, he is sad because he LOVES me! He cares more about me than ANYONE else does! My friends, my parents, my sisters, and relatives...they all love me. I love people. But this love, this love is NOTHING compared to the love of my Jesus. He didn't only just die for me...he died with EVERY SINGLE SIN I've ever committed on him. He felt them. He felt my depression, he felt my anxiety, and my pain. He understands my struggles COMPLETELY! (this amazes me so much) When Jesus died, God turned his face from him. He was covered in ALL the sins of the world. And you know what? That act has transformed the world and Christianity 100%. He was a perfect man, but he loved me enough to suffer through the feelings and consequences of all sin, just so that I could go to heaven and be in complete communion with Him. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is! What a love! I am redeemed by the LOVE of my God. As I lay here, basking in my Father's love, I choose to love him back. An attempt at the love I'm receiving. He is good. And He is LOVE.

silence.

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning. -Bradley Hathaway

(PICTURE: My seestas! I miss them! Aren't they just lovely?)

mercy birthday.

I don't think anyone but a Mercy graduate can appreciate Wednesday as much as I know I will. It will be my Mercy Birthday! One year ago, on November 17th, I graduated from Mercy Ministries in St. Louis Missouri! God has continued to do great things in my life. And although life is never perfect, I wouldn't be even close to where I am now without Mercy Ministries in my life. A huge thanks to Nancy Alcorn, all the staff and supporters, and my family and friends who supported me through the program. A big shout out to all my Mercy sisters as well! I love you all so deeply and am so excited for all God has done. AMY...Happy Mercy Birthday to you too! This is a big day, it is the day the Lord has made. I will be rejoicing, and being glad that God has saved me from where I was a year and a half ago when I entered the Mercy doors.

that little something.

Being at school is great and all...but there's always that something lingering in the back of my thoughts and feelings. I don't ever know what it is, but I just can't seem to get past it. I go through prayer meetings, medication changes, surrendering it all to God and leaning into Him, counseling, talking to friends, journaling, family....you name it, and I've probably tried it recently. Don't get me wrong. I am doing well. I just feel like I'm myself, happy and living a life of joy 95% of the time....that other 5% just doesn't seem to want to go away. That other 5% is a life really low. When I say low, I mean LOW. I know God's there in those dark times...but why do I have to feel them? I feel out of control, grasped by the devil or something low and dark. Now, I don't mean like freaky, demonic stuff...that's in the past. But I feel an absence, like a hole in me. I've done everything to fill it with God. I think I'm just supposed to wait. It's my prayer that God has a plan for this. I try to stay strong, and most of the time succeed. But being low takes a tole on me and on other people. God, please give me strength, give me courage and joy, and help me to accept the hard times as a blessing and gift from you. I know you are the healer of hurts...but I also know that you can use hurts to grow us and that is evident from my past. It is my prayer for these hurts to continue to grow me into the woman you would like me to be. I love you Jesus. You are so good. Thank you for being my peace in the midst of all my fears. AMEN.