lost. but always found.

I thought I was at peace about not being at school next semester. But in all reality I think I'm more bitter than I thought, and just misplacing it from my thoughts. My last day at school I cried harder than I've ever cried. I was very upset. But I feel like since I got home I've blocked it from my thoughts and chosen not to grieve. I'm in denial. I've only teared up a couple times and haven't thought much about it at all. The reality of never living on M5-02 again, never being in the same group of girls, and with the same leadership rips my heart apart. For what it was, it was the best experience of my life. The closest friendships a friend could have. But in all honesty I'm torn, and not at peace. I can't keep living this "I'm perfectly fine." lifestyle. 1st off, no one is perfectly fine. 2nd, in reality, I'm not. I act like I am, and even feel like I am. I'm happy and normal. But when's the last time I sat down and really talked to God about all this and what's really on my heart. To be honest, other than telling God I was upset but still loved Him the day I found out....I haven't talked to Him about it at all. How can one not talk to her best friend about what is most heavy on her heart. Not okay. I feel a wall, like I'm slowly drifting. I couldn't even sing praises to God in church. I felt withdrawn.

God, I'm sorry. God help me. God please give me true peace. I trust You. I love You. I want to try more. I want back what we had before this. As Pastor Harry said today. Your will be done. You WILL bring the good out of this hard situation Jesus. Thank you. I really do love you.