2011: the date of new beginnings and start-overs.

I feel like I need to blog honestly and say that as amazing as life is, my relationship with my Jesus is not. When things started at school, I experienced shame and guilt, unforgiveness of self. As much as I'm trying and want to give it all over to God and accept His abundant loving grace and forgiveness, it isn't that simple. I'm pulled between regret and acceptance. I need to accept the situation and allow God to work. 2011 begins tomorrow. I know it's just a year, just a date. But in our culture it's a date of new beginnings, a date of "start-overs". As Sarah Allen encourages us every year, my "New Years Resolution" is to be more like Jesus. I also want to be more like a follower of Jesus, a disciple of Jesus. I am a nazarite, but am not following my Nazarite vow and commitments when it comes to my time with God. I need to renew that vow and reset my guidelines. God is good, and he will bring about restoration. He has already redeemed me and as my tattoo says....I am the redeemed.

numb.

The appeal didn't go through. I am very hurt. But know God must have something big planned. He better, or I don't know how I'll make it.

His faithfulness stretches to the skys.

Leaving Liberty University yesterday was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. As of now I will not be returning until spring next year, if I am able to. My heart is crushed as is my academic future. But not my will, but God's be done. He knows what He is doing, and there is still that small possibility of my return. If you are reading this, please pray that if it's God's will this possibility will go through and I can return next semester.

trust. faith. peace.

As this semester roles around to an end, I look back in appreciation and disappointment. It's so easy to wish I had done some things differently. This semester has been full of ups and downs. But God never ceases to amaze me. He has come through in every rough situation all semester. As I await some serious news, I'm struggling with leaning into God and trusting Him. I mean, I know it's okay to be nervous and sad. The Bible does tell us though, to be anxious for nothing. This morning in church Dwayne Carson spoke. He talked about becoming larger spiritually and looking back over this past year to see what God has done. My initial reaction was to look back and notice all the mistakes and mess-ups I've made. But then God spoke directly to my heart. He told me: "Mandie, you are not the person you were a year ago. You've learned to trust me more and more. Trust me RIGHT NOW." I've been praying for this rough situation to end, for things to go "my way". But after talking with my RA, Liz, and hearing the message this morning, I've realized that it isn't about what I want, it's about what God wants, how He's going to work best, and how He's going to get me to where He wants me on my spiritual journey. If I get bad news this week, it's not necessarily "bad news". It's God's news. It would break me. It would break me and pull me down so hard. But I need to be ready to get back up, turn straight to God, and press forward. As I wait, yes I can cry, yes I can be nervous...but I need to turn it to God, trust God, and press forward to His will. He's the only one that can get me through this. "Jesus, you are so good and your love is so abundant. I want to try to trust you. I want to lean into you. Embrace me. Give me peace. In your precious name, AMEN"